Do you ever get discouraged reading food blogs? Real food, gorgeous pictures, amazing meals… I know I can’t be the only one. They just have it so together. I am never that together.
In case you’ve been spending too much time perusing the blogs of more competent individuals, I am here to make you feel better about what actually goes on in your kitchen. I know I’ve shared some successful moments in the past, but rest assured that for as many good meals as I’ve produced, my food experiments have produced just as many strange, ugly and just plain inedible results.
#5 – Kombucha Explosion
Once upon a time, I made kombucha. And it went really well. It brewed, it had flavrz. And it carbonated really nicely. Too nicely, in fact. Which was apparent when I opened a bottle and it shot kombucha-infused raspberry mush all over my kitchen. My sliding glass doors, my cabinets, my windows, my vaulted ceilings.
Definitely one of those moments I was glad the hubs wasn’t home to see it. If you’ve ever seen the Big Bang Theory, his face would have done that twitchy thing that Sheldon’s does when his brain is about to explode.
*twitch twitch* But he also probably would have cleaned it up for me…
#4 – Tortillas x Two
I also tried to make tortillas with cornmeal. Why? Because I didn’t know any better. Those were… gross. Just really gross. Sort of weird, fried, dried corn pancake things.
So I went and got corn flour. If you’re in the know, you’re already laughing at me. If you’re not in the know, FYI – you can’t make tortillas with corn flour. Masa, my friends, you need masa.
An hour later (10 PM), piles of half-cooked, crumpled, broken, weird, dry, ruined tortillas in a pile on my counter, I gave up and ate a salad for dinner.
#3 – Impatient Ghee
Then there was the 10 PM ghee. (You may notice a theme here with the starting of food projects in the middle of the night. I should probably stop doing this.)
I thought ghee would be fast. You know, simmer butter, skim milk fats off the top, the end. Easy, right?
I waited. And waited. And waited. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Nothing…
Finally, about 45 minutes later, I got impatient and cranked up the heat. And it was awesome! There was boiling. There was separating. I win at ghee! And then… it turned brown, black… dead. Burned the whole damn batch. Cranky, cranky, cranky Jess.
I must confess that I haven’t tried to make ghee again. Every time I think about it, I get a little twitchy. Like Sheldon.
#2 – Lacto-Fermented Marmalade
Lacto-fermented marmalade. If you take a look at the comments, you will see how Annette saved me from near-death or at least extreme discomfort by informing me that my whey was NOT ALIVE and therefore would not be lacto-fermenting anything. I proceeded to leave the marmalade on my counter for over a week for fear of being attacked by scary mold monsters when I attempted to discard it. In the end there were no scary mold monsters. Just lots of very strong-smelling carbonated orange weirdness.
#1 – The Worm
I really don’t have a good explanation for this one. A picture will have to suffice. Sourdough fail + leftover jam = The Worm. Yes, I did eat some of it. No, it was not good.
How about you? Real food failures? Real food successes? Any worms in your culinary closet?
HAHAHHAAHHAHA! Jess, welcome to the intrepid world of culinary exploration and discovery! A world of wonder and a blooper, and a world of finding out what totally doesn’t work and what was surprisingly delicious or beautiful. Sounds like you’ve already had the trial by fire. But wait, can you say that you’ve set off fire alarms in every single kitchen that you’ve cooked in (to include travel lodges and cooking demos?)
And yet, I still reach for the stove’s knobs to crank up the heat…
So far no fire alarms, although I did get pretty close with this last batch of naan because I forgot to turn the fan on. Only after I was finished did I realize the whole upstairs was filled with smoke. Oops!
I think “cook” is a four-letter word (well, technically it is, but you know what I mean) so props to you for even trying.
It’s definitely one step at a time
. Or four steps at a time, with three of them ending in massive weirdness…
I attempted homemade piergoies….I really thought I followed the recipe very closely. It ended up to be the *biggest* disgusting mess I have ever done in the kitchen. It didn’t matter if I cooked the batch less or more – they still ended up wet and mushy with a filling that tasted like uncooked pumpkin but looked like runny dog poop….sigh! I gave up and didn’t “go there” again!
Wow, I am so impressed that you tried pierogies! I love the frozen ones, but wouldn’t have even thought to try making them myself. I vote blame the recipe and try again with a different one.
One so far. I tried making lacto-fermented beets with some GORGEOUS golden beets I’d gotten at the farmer’s market. Didn’t cover them up with enough liquid, perhaps. Therefore *I* got the mold you had anticipated with the marmalade.
Ooh! This one always scares me with my sauerkraut, and I’m never sure if it is safe to just pick off the moldy bits, or if I have to toss the whole jar.
What does one do with lacto-fermented beets? Side dish?
Side dish, yes. Very delicious. If you ever find out what to do about the mold, please let me know!
I’m also quite fortunate to be able to get Real Pickles locally. I’ve eaten a LOT of their pickles, sauerkraut, beets, and carrots over the past year.
Their ginger carrots sound amaaazing. I’m still looking for a recipe for the yummy carrot/daikon radish mix you get as a side or garnish at Vietnamese restaurants. I could almost live on that.
The first time I tried to make sourdough starter, it tried to take over my apartment. I put 1/2 cup flour, 1/2 cup water in a large container and left it overnight — when I got back from the bar, it had expanded, pushed aside its loose lid, crawled out of its container, and across the counter, starting to ooze down the doors of my cabinets.
Holy cow! That is some powerful sourdough starter. You should send some over my way so it can give my pitiful starter a lesson in kicking butt and taking names
.
OMG the worm made me laugh so much I teared up
Good one!
I was making white bean soup and put the hot soup in the food processor. Apparently my food processor doesn’t do liquid because as soon as I turned it on it all oozed out the top. Then I figured I’d just put it all in the blender. Well – hot liquid and lots of spinning action just compresses the air and the blender lid BLEW off and soup when EVERYWHERE! LessonS learned. The soup wasn’t even that good.
Yikes! This is absolutely something I would do. For whatever reason, food gadgets are just not my friends…
Did you have fun cleaning soup off your ceiling?
Jess I have dinnertime meltdowns on a regular basis. In fact I’m on strike right now. I’m finally coming to terms with it and sitting down to blog. Also dumping out many failed canning flops tonight: ketsup with too much cinnamon (1 gallon of it that I spent an entire weekend simmering), mustard too bitter, crab and fish stock disgustingly fishy. Why I bothered to can these things I’ve no clue but it’s time to clean out the pantry and clear up jars for summer 2010 so out it goes. So much time, so much waste. Also just threw out 2 #s of mozzarella pH was too high on so “barely edible” as described by my husband, fed to chickens.
Not together over here by any means. Did you read my blog entry where I ignited my rendered lard? Or got stung by the nettles I actually PAID someone for at the farmer’s market? So many lessons, so little time…
And are these the carrot/radish pickles? I used parsnips but the recipe called for daikon radish which I planted this year. Only I’ll lactoferment it next time.
Oh and about the mold. White mold is ok if it’s been fermented but not if it’s been canned. You simply skim it off the top. Any other color mold though and throw it all out. I do have 2 quarts of carrot kvass in the garage right now to chuck – I made w/o the whey using an old French recipe and I’m scared S**tless to try it. Botulism and all.
xo!
Oh no! I missed the post on igniting lard. I’m still in catch-up mode on…well, everything, but I just read your strike post and yikes! I don’t blame you a bit. This is definitely not something you can do alone. Unless, like me, you have the advantage of actually being alone! Wine + garden + pajamas sounds like exactly what you need for a bit.
The carrot/radishes are very lightly pickled. I thin it’s some combination of rice vinegar, fish sauce, sugar, and salt, but I still haven’t been able to get it right.
And thanks for the mold tip! I guess my marmalade was the safe kind of mold, but the rest of the marmalade definitely wasn’t safe.
Ah… Sustainable Eats, I’m so sorry…. I totally hear your pain, and I had to laugh out loud at your comments. I am nowhere sophisticated or brave enough to attempt canning. I live in a mini apartment in downtown Seattle complete with a mini stove that has room for two saucepans, if you put them on diagonal opposite burners! I will think happy and lucky thoughts for you.
Thanks Jess for the post because it allowed us to admit our bloopers
Ha! My last pair of bread loafs were well… hilarious. The place I set them for their second rise was too small. I came back to find one half of a loaf stretching down to the floor over the counter edge…
My first compost pile can only be described as a travesty.
Keep on! Well be doing this in our sleep in a few years!
Hilarious post, Jess!
The food I prepare never looks like the fancy photos. And, yes, I’ve had my share of real failures. At the moment, I’m recalling a batch of corn muffins, to which I failed to add baking soda. Think yellow hockey pucks.